We had a really good weekend although I've felt ill. Saturday was a day spent eating and sleeping and playing with the furry ferriet. Sunday we went to Elvington airfield to thrash a lamborghini round for five laps, I got it as a gift for R's birthday. You were able to buy a lap round the airfield in an Aston Martin DB9 which I did as i love the cars. After feeling so low for a few weeks, it was great to laugh and smile again and for a split second I was just another young lady enjoying her day not poorly Ali.
I should be going into Seacroft any time soon, which I'm not pleased about but it has to be done. i can't understand why the doctor didn't listen to my reason's for not having IV's, I'm sure he thought it was because I wouldn't do them which isn't the case at all it's because I need to be monitored because of my renal failure but he didn't listen to that. I'd normally do home IV's and have by the way been told that i was very good at doing all my own treatments by a few diffferent doctors at Seacroft but now my kidneys are playing ball, i need to go in not because I'm really ill but because I need bloods taken everyday. it's kind of worring to know that I can't fall back on IV's each time my chest gets worse and have to keep telling people if they've had any colds or bugs then keep away until they are better. i'm sure that people think I'm being an arse and i don't want to see them plus I don't look like there's anything wrong with me but I've heard this story from other's with CF, old people seem to be worse as they can't understand what on earth would a young girl like you be on about( well I'm not a spring chicken, at the grand old age of 35!!)
when I went blind with my cataracts the clinic was full of old biddies waiting to have one eye doing, my sister came with me as I couldn't see and she told me that everyone was looking at me and talking about me. i thought this was because I was so young as cataracts are normally in old people but it wasn't. I had taken my toy bagpuss with me as you can understand I was very frightened, i was petting my toy cat, the old women next to us turned to my sister and said, " she looks happy stroking her cat, is she a bit simple", my sister couldn't answer the woman and her friend as she was laughing so hard but at least it lightened the mood a bit .
We live in a very strange world and I can understand why people such as myself get mad with those heartless people who think because we're not all in wheelchairs that we are all fine and dandy, never judge a book by it's cover springs to mind.

I don't feel any better, and feel quite sick I'm getting the feeling this isn't anything to do with my CF it's my bloody kidneys!
The weather has gone from cold to freezing and Jasmine wants to go out and play but hates the wind blowing up her bum! plus its so cold it can freeze snot in seconds.
I'm feeling a bit happier and have come to terms with one or two things, one thing is for sure I'm saving up like mad to go to Hawaii, nothing is going to change my mind now.
sooty has been playing tricks and has been moving Jasmine's cat treats, unless someone else is.
Once I've had my stay in hotel Seacroft I'm sure my wacky sense of humour will return, coping with CF is bloody hard work yet those who don't suffer can't understand. it's the same old story, because you don't look ill people think your making a huge thing out of nothing, oh if only they knew!

Like a lot of CF's I have lost many friends to the illness. Now a days we don't mix on the wards or in clinics so making friends with those that have the same illness isnt easy any more.I was thinking about two very dear friends of mine , both died from CF and even though my thoughts are all good I couldn't help but cry. It's true what they say, you don't know what you've got til it's gone, I miss my friends so very much it hurts, the photos I have remind me that the friendship we shared isn't gone, it's different because they are no longer here to enjoy it but they will always be with me in my heart and mind.
As I sat on the bed with jasmine looking at my photo's, i could hear Renarta's voice telling me to follow my dreams, the thing is i know that's right but just needed a bit of a push. i have believed that since loosing these friends( Renarta and Nicola) they have been the angels looking after me, yeah I know some of you will think I've gone nuts but a few strange things happened after they had passed. I'm the kind of person who bottles stuff up and things blow up like a pressure cooker, and it's days like that I hate and I tend to cry my heart out.
Today wasn't one of those days but I haven't cried like that for a few months and felt better afterwards, although Jasmine must have thought I was loosing it.
If there is a god, he's delt some crap cards to some of us, I like to think he's chosen me for a bloody good reason to suffer so much heart ache, i'm just not sure what he's looking for.
i'd like to think once I've died there is a heaven and that in my next life I will have a " normal" life with a job and kids and that I can drive, but i'll have to wait and see won't I.

It was nice to read the comment that Nicola posted for me, I don't feel such a burke now, the feelings haven't gone away but in time maybe things will seem better. i have decided to have a big holiday and travel to Florida and hawaii, but first I need to save up abit of money then i'll be off. It will be my last big holiday as my kidneys are giving up and I know it will be difficult to travel, so I'm going to make the most of it come rain or shine.
the last couple of days I've been quite depressed, I'm sure it's with the weather getting colder. Jasmine is sleeping more during the day, but has a mad fling now and again.
I managed to get up yesterday and go into town to pay some cheques in the bracelet account, i've yet to send a cheque to the trust but everytime I've gone to sort it out another cheque arrives. So far the rosebud bracelets have made £267 and the last time I spoke to Susie , she said she would be sending a cheque to me to send to the trust for £269 from the sale of the butterfly christmas bracelets which is fantastic.As I walked round Scarborough I bumped into Shirley which was nice, the only reason I didn't make arrangments to meet Shirley was because I still have a cold and the weather wasn't brill.
I haven't seen sooty in the last few days but I know he's around as Jasmine goes doo lally every now and again by puffing up and hissing at nothing.

why is it in life that you always fancy someone off the TV or in the films and you know full well you'd never have a chance with them even if you met them. After watching dog the bounty hunter again today I've found myself in that situation, and the guy who I fancy aint that great looking really( Leland Chapman).
I'm feeling quite depressed about all of this which is totally doo lally and daft, the only other guy I would love to be with is johnny Depp but I know that's never in a million years going to happen plus he's got a partner, maybe it's because Leland isn't such a big star and in reality anyone could have him if they lived near to him( and no I wouldn't leave England nor my cat for anything). Anyway stupidness has to be gone and soon as it's just making me sad.
Now I feel better for writing it all down as when I've read it back it makes me sound a right burke.
My day today started OK and went downhill from there, I feel washed out and fed up with feeling ill, I really would have gone into hospital sooner but we have something on soon so I will try and keep going. Jasmine has spent the day a sleep as it's been cold here today, also my friend Shirley should be going home today after spending time in hospital having tests done. She rang me last night and told me what a nightmare time she's had with hospital transport and getting home.
My Dad isn't at all well and had to go and have repete bloods taken yesterday, he will get the results on monday and we should know what's wrong with him.It's a very worrying time for me, loosing my Dad has never crossed my mind before as he's always been fit and strong, I think my world would be shattered if anything bad happened to him although I've said my relationship with both my Mum and dad has never been great, he's my Dad after all said and done.
I'm sure we have a ghost cat in our house that lives in the bathroom. I've heard strange meows( and it's not Jasmine or a cat outside as I've checked) and seen a black cat shape in the bathroom plus Jasmine hissed at something the other day but there was nothing there! spooky. Still what ever it is or is not i've called it sooty for now and will keep track on anything that happens. If it is a ghost cat it's chose a good home to haunt but I don't think Jasmine will be sharing any cat treats with sooty as she's very protective about her food and treats.
Maybe Derek thingy from most haunted could come and find out, i can just see him now being taken over by Sooty the ghost cat and meowing madly whilst eating a bowl of kit and caboodle( cat biscuits).

Still feeling iffy with this cold and have started with a lovely chesty cough( great). I sound like mutley when I laugh with all the crackles and wheezy noises I keep making.
while I've not been able to do a great deal i've been watching Dog the bounty hunter on sky TV. I've enjoyed watching the programme not for what they really do but for Dog's son Leland, he's gorgeous and has long dark hair and is single! although I'm never going to even meet the bloke there's no harm in dreaming.
Jasmine is back on form and found a spider in the hallway, it didn't stand a chance and the big gray furry paw of fate squished it into the carpet making a dirty spider mark on it.
I've felt a bit low the last few days but I put that down to not feeling well. I want to get my hospital stay out of the way and then I can look forward to Christmas a bit more.
my dad is not well and his other leg is swelling up, he has made another appointment to see his doctor but can't see him till next tuesday, in the meantime my Dad is suffering with a lot of pain.
Been reading my friend Emily's blog, she's a real fighter and made me laugh with the things that have happened to her at hospital. Emily is still waiting for a double lung transplant, I'm really hoping that santa will have a good strong pair of lungs for her for Christmas, she's such a lovely person with a huge heart, i wish i could give her the lungs but sadly it's a long waiting game and that clock keeps ticking. i know Emily didn't think she would see another Christmas this time last year but the angels are keeping her safe as she's still here fighting as hard as ever.

I've not posted for a few days as I've felt ill with a cold or maybe it's side effects from having my flu jab last week.
my friend Shirley is going into hospital tomorrow for some tests, i promised I'd go and visit but I feel so ill i don't want to spread any bugs and have told Shirley I can't visit, which is sad as i don't like letting people down.
i have to go into hospital soon for some IV's which I know will cause my kidney's to go silly but the doctor I saw at clinic didn't seem to listen to me so I'll go in and see what happen's although I know they will stop the IV's after a few days as my kidneys won't cope.
Jasmine is well and spends most of the time sleeping now it's getting cold, she looks like a gray seal with a rather fat tummy.
Thankfully we've had no spiders in the bathroom, so maybe Jasmine is bored and that's why she sleeps more.
we are going to drive a Lamborghini round Elvington aitfield near York in a few weeks time, it was bought as a gift and I'm really looking forward to that.
Bagpuss has been grounded for a few days while I'm feeling a bit poo, he doesn't like staying at home and would rather be out and about.
My Dad is not well and has been going back and forth to the hospital for tests, he's 68 today and had to go for a cardio ultrasound on his heart which will take up to four weeks for the results.

Have had a really lazy day today and stayed in bed until 9.30am . Jasmine has been in the garden playing run around. She also found a huge frog which wasn't best pleased she was trying to push it along with her furry paw.I thought it best to get Mr frog in an old plany pot and blonk him into the beck at the back of our house out of the way from the furry ferret, I know frogs are meant to taste like chicken but the thought of Jasmine munching on a poor frog didn't bare thinking about. Jasmine looked at me like i'd tried to murder her as mr frog plopped into the water and swam off quite quickly, he was looking happy as he went on his way and maybe knew just what a close shave he'd had.
Jasmine came in, she was in a mood so went off in search of something else to kill. She does make me laugh as anything that moves gets attacked, and she wiggles her bum before she pounces on it. After maybe 20 mins she lost interest and settled down on my blanket and fell asleep.
I feel drained and tired, maybe going into hospital in a few weeks will do wonders.
Susie sent the mock designs of the CF xmas bracelets today to me, they both look great and I think they will sell maybe better then the other ones. the price will be more but it means the trust will get more. It's a lot of hard work but i'm finding it a challenge which keeps me busy and keeps my mind off other stuff.

I've had a busy few days this week.First was CF clinic on Monday, Tuesday went for flu jab and today was the dreaded eye clinic( Eeeeeeeeek). Things weren't as bad as I thought, I've had a few smalls bleeds in my left eye( the good one) but my doctor said he would leave it alone for now as the blood was clearing nicely on it's own but if I had another bleed I'd have to ring them and go back for more lazer treatment.
I've had TONS of lazer treatment and find it very distressing and painful but worth it if it works. I've had lots of nasty things done to my poor little peeper's , the worst being injections( very frightening) as well as the cataract operations.
Well I'm very tired so this is a short one today. Jasmine is well and killed another spider in the bathroom and thought it a good idea to eat it, as if she's never been fed anything in her life( Jasmine is getting a bit of a fatty).
Sending loads of love to Tasha as she's poorly in hospital, I hope she gets better soon.